Small moments of reality that could make superhero movies better.

I’m not saying verisimilitude is absolutely necessary, but small doses of it can certainly help. These moments of reality could humanize our superhero movies.

  • Superman, while giving an interview to Lois Lane, sits down at an awkward angle and exclaims “Ow, my balls!”
  • Magneto eats a bad meat pie and accidentally shits his pants while struggling to remove his incredibly tight clothing.
  • Batman skips on a check at Arby’s after losing his wealth in an unforeseen stock market dip.
  • Aquaman grapples with erectile dysfunction after being exposed to too much contaminated sea-water from the Fukushima Daiichi power plant.  In a cruel but entirely unrelated twist of fate, Spiderman simultaneously suffers from priapism and is hospitalized.
  • Wonder Woman falls while getting out of the shower and wonders briefly whether she’d be better off dead.
  • Wolverine wonders why his kids never call. He listens to Cat’s in the Cradle and cries.
  • Juggernaut slaps a woman in a moment of anger and must hire a PR firm to repair his image.
  • In an attempt to look cool, X-Ray asks his nephew if he knows where to “score some grass.”
  • Dr. X discovers one of his own bounced checks on the wall of his favorite Thai restaurant.
  • Captain America brings home some long-haul trucking brochures in an effort to get his stoner son to pursue a career.
  • As he reads the paper one morning, Thor discovers an article about a series of recent murders, all of which were committed with an over-sized mallet. He proceeds to ponder his existence by asking himself whether there’s any fundamental differences between him and the Hammer Killer. When no answers are forthcoming, he turns to alcohol for relief.
  • The Human Torch enrolls in community college to learn a trade.
  • Hawkeye gets a flat and realizes that he never learned to change a tire. As he follows this line of thought, he comes to the realization that his father was never there for him. He swears to give his children the attention he never had, but fails to follow through when his firstborn son isn’t interested in archery.
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